Bounce!
by Vegimeat
Summary: If Kanda had realized what events would come from him just going to the bath house, he would have probably waited to shower for another week or two. Maybe even a month. And why the hell do Allen and Kanda have to pretend to be engaged? \
1. 1 String Theory

If Kanda had realized what events would come from him just going to the bath house, he would have probably waited to shower fo Bounce

**Summary:** Things are as awkward as ever between Kanda and Allen. Now things have only become awkward 10 fold when Kumui sends Kanda and Allen on a mission. And why do they have to pretend to be betrothed? Yullen

**Disclaimer**: -twitch- what the hell do you expect me to say 'I OWN D. GREY MAN?!' –twitch again- These disclaimers are pointless which is why I will only do it for this chapter then they will be IGNORED.

**1. String Theory**

If Kanda had realized what events would come from him just going to the bath house, he would have probably waited to shower for another week. .. or two. Maybe even a month. He had gone weeks without proper bathing due to missions that refused to let him have some proper hygiene.

He had made for positive that no one would come into the bathhouse; he preferred to be alone while he bathed. Though Lavi had always said that it was probably because Kanda had a small-. The bottom line was that he didn't. Lavi was trying to annoy him, when didn't he try to annoy Kanda? The fact that Kanda had no idea why the hell Lavi wouldn't leave him alone had at last annoyed him even more.

After peering around the empty locker room Kanda slipped his clothing off and wrapped a towel loosely around his waist. He folded his black uniform and neatly set them inside of the metal locker before slipping the combination lock into the hole and spun the dial so it was set to '0'.

He had just returned from a two month long mission and sadly enough yet again to the black order. Ever since a bean sprout had somehow crawled into the order Kanda had found himself dreading so much as walking down a corridor.

Tearing out his read hair tie, Kanda wrapped the ribbon around his wrist and tied it into a knot before calmly walking to the hot communal bath. The bath was rather large, but Kanda never knew why the hell Kumui had spent the Black Orders precious money on a huge communal bath when he could have given them separate showers, away from people!

'Tch.' Kanda grumbled to himself. He placed his foot into the hot water and then slowly submerged himself. It was 9 at night and the stars sparkled above him everything was peaceful.

It wouldn't last long. Whenever Kanda would let his guard for so much as one second then-

"YUU!"

-that damn Rabbi would have to ruin it. Damn it!

Kanda mustered the best glare that he could when he noticed a red haired teen running out of the locker room and right towards him. Lavi was in only a towel… oh God. Lavi was running in a towel towards him.

His glare grew more fierce. Maybe his glare could set the annoying boy on fire and kill him. Better not get too hopeful at least it would make him hopefully go away! As the old saying does 'you got want in one hand and shit in the other, which one fills up faster?'.

"Awww Yuu! Don't glare at me! It may give me the impression that you don't like me"

Lavi was getting the right impression. There was no way in hell that he would ever in a million years ever be able to get used to the red head. Kanda liked to think of Lavi as the person who had helped him perfect his glare. If it weren't for Lavi, his ferocious glare might be able to be compared to a kittens glare… or maybe a starving monkeys….

'Tch- Damn Lavi!" Kanda almost screeched as Lavi did a cannonball into the hot spring making hot water fly up his nose. Kanda had to stop himself from spluttering. A true warrior never spluttered in front of an enemy. And right now Lavi was the definite enemy; there was no doubt in Kanda's mind about it.

"hahahah! Yuu you should have seen the look on your face! You looked like a fish outta water!"

Kanda glared then angrily dragged himself out of the bath and left to any place away from the still rambling red head.

OOoOo

"Tim!" Allen called inside of the corridors. The golem had mysteriously gone missing and it was beginning to worry Allen. The golem was supposed to find Lavi and give the red head a message. That had been 3 hours ago, Allen knew that something bad must have happened.

OOoOo

Kanda had stomped into the locker room and immediately began taking out his anger on whatever poor defenseless locker he was able to find. The next day many people were sure to find their bathing lockers vandalized with the help of Kanda's sword, Mugen.

After 5 minutes of stomping around and grumbling something about 'dumb redheads' and 'why are the people with unnatural hair colors always so damn annoying' (Of course he had Allen in mind) he decided that he needed to get dressed. Currently he only had a hair tie on his wrist, and that was not considered to be adequate clothing.

When he turned around, Kanda's nightmares all came true in one moment. Right in front of him was a golemn. Not just ANY golem Allen Walkers golem. Wait kanda began to calculate the damage of this incident in his brain. Then it finally clicked.

He was in a locker room stark naked with a golem that had video recording and who so happened to belong to that bean sprout….

"Fuck," Kanda's anger melted away, which was to be replaced with pure horror. What would happen if the video of him were sent into the Moyashi's hands? A scene came before his eyes, the scene of the future if he did not get that golem and reset its memory.

"Hey Lavi," Allen would say

"_What Allen"_

"_Want to watch something? You'll like it."_

"_Sure!"_

NO! Kanda could not let it happen. The golem had began to retreat and Kanda looked desperately around the room to find something, ANYTHING. That's when he saw a pair of pants laying on a bench, clearly a godsend that he should put on the pants. In a matter of seconds Kanda was putting on the pants, wincing in pain due to forgetting to clear the zipper, and was running out of the locker room door.

"Bean sprout's golem! You better get your golden feather ass back here!Dammit!"

The black haired exorcist then began running down the hallways with his eye set on the golden orb and had ignored the stares that he had received. Not many people could say that they had seen Kanda with only pants that were too small, with no shirt, and his hair down. The more religious onlookers went into their rooms and began to pray to God that this was not a sign of the apocalypse.

oOoOo

Allen was impatiently pacing around his room. It had now been almost 4 hours and still no sign of Timcanopy. When he saw Lavi next or even lenalee he would ask one of them to help him find the golem. He knew that the golem had left for days at a time, but never for this long when Allen had given the golem special orders.

Four hours was much too long, Allen decided and he began to make his way out the door only to be greeted by a crowd of people that were in the hallway. It was queer, no one was usually out in the hallways at 11, but now it looked as though the entire black order were in a single hallway.

"Um- excuse me." Allen tapped on someone's shoulder. When Allen saw that he had gotten the full attention of the man in front of him he asked. "What's going on?"

The brawny man in front of him began laughing almost like a booming bark. "You didn't hear?" Allen shook his head. "The infamous Yuu Kanda is apparently running around these halls with only pants that are sizes too small on."

Allen mentally rolled his eyes, he didn't care about Kanda the only thing that he wanted was Timacanopy. He thanked the man for his time then began politely shoving through the crowds.

Relief sprung over him when he saw the familiar golden golem flutter towards him then the relief vanished as quickly as it had come when he saw a Kanda chasing after the golem.

This wasn't what Allen had expected. If it had been a different situation Allen would have keeled over laughing but Allen had found himself rooted to the spot and adorned a look of a deer caught in the headlights. It sure wasn't something that one saw every day, which in a way Allen was very grateful for.

When Timcanopy had reached Allen it immediately hid behind Allen.

"Moyashi!" Kanda yelled with Mugen in hand. This was definitely not a good situation.

"What, Kanda?" Allen tried to ask exasperatedly but failed. He was too busy trying to sink in the fact that what the man had told him was true and that there was a half naked Kanda in front of him. If he had felt more level headed he would have found a camera and claimed blackmail.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kanda almost screeched (in a very masculine way, I must add).

"Isn't that my line Kanda?" Allen yelled back. Kanda had a knack for pissing the white haired boy off. What the hell had happened to get the older boy so riled up? If it didn't affect him, Allen could care less but as fate would have it was affecting him… and it sent a very half- Allen mentally punched himself.

"Why did you send that damn golem of yours…." Kanda trailed off. Timcanopy poked its head from behind Allen's back as though it were surveying Kanda.

Allen nodded his head in order to try to prompt the other boy. Kanda only glared and muttered something about perverted beans and walked off. All in all had bewildered Allen. Usually Kanda never gave up so easily, unless if he were planning on doing something later on. Allen pushed the thought into the back of his mind. He didn't even know what the hell Kanda's problem was. It wasn't like it would affect him anyways.

"Come on Tim, we should get some sleep Kumui said that he would give us a mission briefing tomorrow. Apparently Lavi is coming with us," Allen let himself smile at the last thought.

He absent-mindedly began to pet the golem as he made his way to his room.

OOoOo

Kanda Angrily stomped around the corridors towards his room. He had failed in his mission to capture that damn golem and delete the damning video. The next day he was sure to hear about it. Even more annoying Rabbi to deal with, fuck.

He could feel his heart sinking and his stomach uncomfortably churning. He didn't even know why the hell he cared if that damn shrimp saw! Nor did he care to explore the different causes for him caring. It wasn't like he hadn't been forced to be in compromising situations on missions, which sadly happened a lot.

So this shouldn't bug him. Except he felt as though anyone who saw what the golem had seen would soon be raping him with their eyes just to annoy him, especially that damn Rabbi.

All Kanda knew was that he needed to get that damn golem.

OOoOo

"I wonder what Kanda was so irked about," Allen mused to himself. He had seen the exorcist angry but not once had he seen Kanda lose his cool like he just had. Maybe he was PMSing. Allen had heard from Master Cross that males went through emotional PMSing, he had never really believed it until he had met Kanda.

Kanda just had a stick lodged in his ass, Allen had always assumed. Allen opened his door and wandered in.

"Oh did you deliver the message to Lavi?" Allen asked when he suddenly remembered why he had sent the golem out in the first place.

The golem fluttered around which Allen wrongly assumed to be a 'yes'.

"Can you please show it to me?" When the words left his mouth Allen instantly regretted it.

oOoOo

Pacing in his room Kanda had no idea what the hell to do. When he had tried to relax, he couldn't, when he tried eating, he thought of baths (which reminded him of OTHER things), and somehow every thought miraculously drifted to the dumb idiotic Allen.

He had long changed and had left the undersized pants stuffed into a dark corner of his room; it would be a long time before he would even consider recollecting that little incident. Now his long black hair was tied into a secure ponytail and Mugen in place by his side.

"Must destroy the evidence," Kanda said to himself. "The ends justify the means!" Kanda yelled and rushed out of the room with Mugen in his hand. He was gonna get himself a golem… and a few witnesses.

OoOoOo

Looking around the locker room that was in disarray, which he immediately blamed Yuu for, Lavi noticed that something was missing.

"Where are my pants?" Lavi screamed. It wasn't everyday that one's pants were stolen leaving them with only a towel for clothing. This was definitely not good. Though Lavi was very good natured he couldn't help feel a little violated. Some pervert was off with his pants.

Lavi than began wondering who the hell had the nerve to do that. But those thoughts quickly left him when he realized "how the hell am I going to get to my room?"

Maybe he could wing it. If he were a ninja, like Kanda (or was he a samurai… it was one of those Asian things!), then he could sneak into his room. Though his room was conveniently the room farthest from the bathhouse. Lavi cursed under his breath than began to tap his fingers together and walk in a circle inside of the locker room.

He needed a plan of attack, fast.

OoOoOo

All Allen could do was blankly stare at the video that the golem was showing him. It shocked him that throughout the entire thing all he could think was 'that's not Lavi'. In a way he felt like he were watching bad porn… except there was no sex… ok so it didn't feel like he was watching porn but it sure as hell did feel like he were doing something naughty.

The video engrossed him though his mind screamed 'turn away now! Don't destroy your innocence by watching this!' his eyes stayed glued like they were coated with superglue to the tape.

Only when the door banged open did Allen have the decency to look up. Only to see a very mortified Kanda.

Kanda stared at Allen then to the Video that was still playing, then at Allen again. Afterwards he slammed the door shut and held tightly to Mugen, he was itching for a fight. One that involved blood and manliness! Lots of manliness, but not too much otherwise that may remind him of some of the more recent unsavory experiences.

Allen gaped at the door, he was sure that Kanda had just come through there. The moment was too short for Allen to realize what had happened. Long after the video was done Allen had realized exactly the extent to what had happened. He determined that this was anything but dandy.

The next morning came and the only thing that got him out of bed was a loud knock on his door. He groggily got up and opened the door to find lenalee standing there with a folder in hand and her usual smile.

Allen took them muttered his thanks and crawled back under the covers. Not until 30 minutes later did he actually open the file. He anxiously scanned over the file to find out who his partner was going to be, he was paired with Lavi. Allen exhaled with relief and tucked the file under his bed; he would read the rest of it when he got more sleep. At least he wasn't paired up with Kanda that would be awkward.

Next time Allen groggily woke up it was around 10: 30. He never slept this late! If Master Cross were here he would have gotten an earful from the man. It only took a matter of 30 seconds for him to throw on his exorcist uniform and grab the file from under his bed, and run out of the door.

Kumui had wanted to see him when he first woke up and he assumed that the coffee addict wouldn't have wanted Allen to come so late. People ducked and Allen said rushed apologies he could only think about reaching the older man's office.

"S-Sorry I'm late!" Allen huffed. He rested his hands on his knees and allowed himself to take a quick break at the doorway.

The Chief was inside along with this usual cup of coffee and dazed expression that he always wore when he sensed a 'storm' of some kind coming.

"Where's Lavi?" Allen asked. Something wasn't right. Knowing Lavi he would e the first person here in order to get the mission.

Kumui nervously smiled. "Allen, there's been a change of plans."

Allen gave Kumui a questioning look then his question was answered when Kanda came bursting through the door and yelled "Why the hell do you want me on such short notice?"

When Kanda saw Allen he froze. After last night the last thing he wanted was to be within a mile of the white haired exorcist much less a few feet.

"Good news! You guys have a mission together!"

Kumui's smile faltered when he noticed the glare that he was receiving from Kanda. It was probably the deadliest glare that he had ever seen from the exorcist. This was going to be a long day, Kumui thought as he took yet another sip of his steaming hot coffee.

After an hour of explaining the mission Kanda's glare only became worse and Allen looked traumatized. When he was done briefing them Kumui looked at the wall instead of looking wither of them in the eye. These were the times when he was grateful for having glasses so that no one could see his eyes.

"I didn't know the order did undercover missions…." Allen said and trailed off. The older man could tell that there was a forced calm around Allen. Kanda's forced calm was inexistent.

"Get the damn redheaded idiot to do this!" Kanda groaned. Kumui glared at Kanda then reverted back to his good natured self.

"If you don't do this, Yuu Kanda I will demote you to a finder."

'tch'

"Allen is there anything you want to say?" Kumui asked with a very fake and unnaturally bright smile. Almost like in the teeth whitener adds, except worse.

"N-no" Allen stuttered and felt himself shrinking back at the power of Kumui's gaze. "I just didn't know that we did undercover missions."

"we're like detectives in a way." Kumui explained. "We either show and tell people who we are, but othertimes it is much more affective if we pretend like we are someone else. In this case we need to pretend. From my sources that I have received this person is familiar with the black order and the innocence. Making it virtually impossible to find him or the innocence."

Allen gave him a quizzical look and decided to not say anything. "Anymore questions?" Kumui asked. He looked between Kanda and Allen when neither one responed he said. "Well good then you shall be off soon."

Kanda stayed behind.

OOoOoO

"So what you're saying is that brother asked you and Kanda to pretend to be betrothed in a village that's far away from here because the order thinks that there may be a man who has innocence?" lenalee asked. She noticed the despair on Allen's face. "Why?"

Allen exhaled then said all too calmly, "Because apparently this person is supposed to have a soft spot for the betrothed or recently married." Allen paused then continued before lenalee could ask why Kanda. "And of course he wouldn't dream of sending his baby sister."

Before lenalee could interrupt Allen dove farther into the horrid story. "And Miranda is too old. Then he was originally going to send Lavi and I," Allen bitterly said. "But of course with my luck I get stuck with Kanda. Kanda out of all people!"

The girls gave him a knowing smile then began rubbing Allen's back, a gesture that Allen was not comfortable with.

Hopefully the mission would be done and over with so then he could get on with his life. A life with little to no Kanda.

OoOoOo

He willed the paperwork to burst into flames. He still stood angrily in Kumui's office long after the bean had left. He was going to try to change Kumui's mind even if it killed him!

"Why me?" Kanda demanded of Kumui. Normally he was uncaring about when a mission was or what kind it was. But this mission went past the line. It was so far past the line that the line was no longer even visible!

"You're the only exorcist we have." Kumui stated.

"Liar," Kanda hissed. "Tell me the truth."

A sigh escaped from Kumui's lips and Kanda knew that the other man was becoming serious meaning that he meant business.

"You and Allen need to learn how to work together."

"Yes, and making us pretend to be engaged will make everything better!" Kanda roared. After last night he wanted nothing to do with the damn beansprout. There was no way in hell that he wanted to pretend to be engaged to the boy.

"That's what I was hoping for." Kumui stated and lifted the white mug to his lips and drank more of the sweet, sweet nectar that was known as coffee.

"Goddammit!" Kanda was half tempted to reach for Mugen and cut up anything within the swords distance. "When do we leave?" Kanda grunted as an afterthought. If he were to hack Kumui to bits then people were sure to know that it was him, even though he was almost to the point where he could care less.

Setting down the white mug Kumui looked down at the watch on his wrist. "5 minutes ago. You better hurry."

Kanda stomped off and tried to find that damn bean sprout before it got to the point where they would have to walk to the godforsaken town.

By the time that Kanda had reached Allen's room he congratulated himself for not taking out Mugen and reeking havoc upon the order. Though he had seriously considered it. VERY seriously considered it.

He banged onto the wooden door to hear hushed voices. Damn it this was taking too long. Kanda waited for what seemed like hours (in normal time 8 seconds. But whose counting!). His patience had been spent he drew Mugen.

"Mugen!" Kanda yelled then chopped the door down as though it were butter.

lenalee and Allen looked at Kanda with shock written across their faces. They were both sitting on Allen's bed and it appeared that they were talking. Though Kanda thanked the heavens that he had not found them in a compromising position he had already been traumatized enough for his lifetime.

"Hurry up Beansprout," Kanda said as though he had not just chopped down a door. Kind of as though they were merely talking about the weather.

When Allen didn't budge Kanda strode across the room and picked up Allen from the scruff of his collar and dragged him from the room with a bewildered lenalee still rooted to the bed.

Allen heard Kanda muttering something about wanting to get this mission over with and weirdly enough soba noodles.

OoOoOo

After 20 minutes of running they had caught up with the train and had surprised many of the people who were boarded. It was times like these that Allen was grateful for his Black order uniform. Though they weren't inconspicuous they sure helped a hell of a lot.

Kanda and Allen found a train compartment and sat on the opposite side of the other. It was an unspoken rule between them that they would not talk about the mission. But Allen could not help but wonder how this mission would work.

"Kanda?" Kanda nodded making Allen assume that he was paying attention. "How are we going to do this mission?"

Kanda glared at Allen before saying, "we get the innocence and we get the hell out, just like any other mission, Moyashi."

Allen grunted, "That's not what I meant, Kanda! And you know it!"

"Whatever."

This was going to be a long mission. Too long. And every minute of it was going to be his own personal living hell.

**Authors Note: **

**APOLOGIES FOR OOCNESS!**

**Well I didn't reread this because I am too tired and I have school tomorrow. Yes I know, there ARE some discrepancies from this ff to the actual thing. But if you guys were looking for CANON read the actual book and not a ff! lol! The title cam out because I had no idea what to name this story so I clicked shuffle on my iPod and Bounce! By System of a Down came up. And I was just all like 'ok….'**

**Yes, there will be lemons…. Just don't remind me about that…. It will be a while like in a few chapters…. I need to practice writing lemons, everyone knows that a BAD lemon can ruin a good ff. (not that my ff is very good!)**

What ever did happen to Lavi? Find out soon! I haven't said in this chapter because I wasn't sure how peeps would react to KumuiLavi… My friends freaked out bny it so I most likely wont have it. Lol

Review! It is my Hand Sanitizer because apparently I'm not allowed to sniff its godliness anymore., Seriously I update 3x faster when I get reviews.


	2. Träumst Du

**A/N:** OMFG! I feel like my heads been in a hole! I've only EVER read 2 Yullen fics (my obsession with Uchihacest is very strong at the moment!). Which have been on AdultFanfiction…. And I was all looking up Yullen ff on REGULAR ff and of course its 3 in the morning. And I see this ff by Pay Backs a Bitch. And I'm all like 'oh yullen!... oh fuck, this seems familiar….' Proves to show that great minds think alike! So go read Pay Backs a Bitch's ff. It's called '_Equal Rights for Woman'_ and it is AMAZING. Well done. Peeps are in character. You know all of that good stuff. Oh and in the fanfic Kanda is sexier then a piece of cheese on Santa's beard, which is dead sexie!! (That's ALL you need to know! LOL!)

SORRY Pay Backs a Bitch if it seems like I totally PWNED your idea! Apparently I have had my head in a hole…

There may be some confusing transitions…. Sorry... green tea keeps me awake but sure as hell doesn't improve my writing.

**Träumst Du**

"Spwindle?" Allen asked out loud. Not once had he heard a name like that, not even when he had been traveling with Master Cross.

Kanda grunted. "That's what the sign says." The older boy then looked sideways at the younger boy and said "didn't you read the folder?"

Allen felt a blush creep across his face, he hadn't read the folder because when he had seen Kanda he had been so consumed with 'impending doom' that he had not bothered to even so much as glance at the folder. He had glanced at it to see who his partner should have been, so that was down the tube.

Why did he have to be paired up with Kanda out of all people? Why not… so there was no one else! But still he should have been able to be given a choice.

"I-I read it!" Allen had always been a bad liar.

Kanda merely cocked an eyebrow and continued to walk through the train station while ignoring Allen. "Bakanda!" Allen yelled after the retreating boy.

OoOoOo

From the night before

Lavi was screwed. There was nothing to it except for the fact that he was just screwed. The only clothing that he had a tiny towel that barely covered his manly parts! How the hell was he to make it to his room? Especially when he had a mission the next morning.

"Gotta wing it and hope no ones in the halls." Lavi darkly muttered to himself. He still couldn't believe that some pervert had made off with his clothing.

oOoOoO

"I think the look suites you more, Kanda, try them on." Allen groaned. They had long left the train station and were now in the hotel room that would be their home for however long they needed to stay in this godforsaken town called Spwindle,

They now were having the pleasure of looking into the closet to find the clothing that Komui had said would be provided for them to only find that it consisted of dresses that looked too puffy for Allen's comfort and male clothing that looked too big for Allen to even consider wearing. He was now of course trying to convince Kanda that it was in Kanda's best interest to be the one that wore the dresses.

"tch. The dresses seem to look to fit you better then me. Plus the man's," Kanda stressed 'man' a little more than necessary. "Clothing looks to be too big for you, Bean Sprout."

It took two hours before Allen tried on one of the dresses. It was grey, better then the 'give me a headache' pink dress. Now Allen stood in the bathroom and wanted to just die. If Master Cross were able to see him now Allen was sure that the man would have many choice things to say and not one word would be comforting to Allen.

There was no way in hell he was going to step out of the bathroom to have Kanda look at him. Hadn't he repented for his sins enough? Why did he deserve this kind of torture?

"How does it look?" Kanda called mockingly through the door.

"I look like a man who got dressed with the lights off and somehow wandered to his wife's closet," Allen hissed. This was humiliating and the worst part was that in a sick way he knew that Kanda was enjoying every minute of it.

'Tch'

Allen just glared at the door and thanked the heavens that he had locked the lock. "Why the hell don't you do this, Kanda? God knows you have the hair to pull it off. And don't 'tch'!" Allen for one of the few times in his life was beyond angry. He still wanted to melt into the floor and die, but right now he wanted to murder Kanda then melt into the floor and die.

"Shut up, Bean."

A warm feeling began to erupt within Allen. He felt the urge to sock Kanda… In the face. Without thinking Allen unlocked the door banged it open he had a mind to hurt Kanda just for Kanda being annoying. This mission was a bad idea and it had barely even started.

He felt the fingernails piercing his skin as Allen balled his hands up into fists. He was getting ready to punch Kanda so hard that Kanda would see stars for weeks, if he got lucky months. Then Allen noticed how Kanda's lips were pursed in a deliberate attempt to not laugh on the spot.

"My statement stands, Moyashi, the clothing _does_ suite you." With that Kanda walked into his room, which thankfully they each had their own room.

Allen had forgotten all about punching the older man no now he wanted to murder Kanda with a shovel. Soon Allen began trying calculate the odds of getting away with murder when he eventually decided that it was no use, the police looked at the 'spouse/ girlfriend/ in his case 'fiancé'' first.

Later that evening Allen discovered that of course they had no food thus he banged on Kanda's door and demanded the boy to come with him to the store, which is when Kanda made the comment of 'oh you're right, a proper lady never walks by herself' which set Allen into a fit of rage. Eventually though they made their way to the market that so happened to be at the edge of town.

"We need a car," Allen groaned. The damn corsets and heavy woman's clothing really took it out of him.

His thoughts drifted to Lenalee and he began to wonder if the girl had to wear these accursed things. Allen still couldn't get over the fact that he had to force (literally) his short hair into a bun which would be stuffed under a hat 'because his hair was too short to pass for being 'female'. Of course his hair was short! It was manly! Unlike Kanda's hair which was long and girly.

Though Allen did admit to himself that he had wondered why he wasn't able to wear some wig but then realized that he would have to actually wear the wig. And from stories that he had herd from Lavi wigs were itchy, hot, and uncomfortable. Allen had decided against asking Lavi how he knew this, some things are better unsaid.

"When you get a job," Kanda retorted looking ahead with his eyes half closed.

"We're both getting jobs, Bakanda!"

"Tch"

"How do you expect us to survive, the order isn't exactly rich since Komui installed those communal baths," Allen trailed off after he said 'communal baths'. It had been an unspoken agreement between him and Kanda that no one was to mention the Timcanopy incident.

The silence was thick and awkward which made Allen wish that he hadn't said anything at all.

"Fine," Kanda said.

"What?" Allen surprisingly asked. The last thing that he had expected was for Kanda to agree plus after the non-direct mention of the 'incident' Allen was sure that Kanda would snort (very pig like) and walk away.

"Are you deft? I said fine," Kanda grumbled. He couldn't believe that he was actually agreeing to this and without the dumb bean practically begging. At Allen's bewildered expression Kanda added. "It's not right to make the woman bring in all of the income anyways."

Allen stopped in his tracks and watched the retreating back of Kanda. If he hadn't known any better he would think that maybe this was Kanda caring? Allen abruptly shook his head. Something wasn't right. Kanda wasn't being a total ass, Kanda seemed to not be too lazy, and now Kanda seemed to have some sick twisted sense of humor that involved torturing him. Something was very wrong with the world and Allen had decided that maybe he should read the horoscope for that day and determine whether Armageddon was coming soon or not.

Kanda and Allen had been on the mission for a month. Everyone in town somehow knew them, much to Kanda's dismay. And since now everyone knew that they were supposedly 'engaged' he had seen many people whispering about them from behind their hands. 'Why aren't they married yet?' Or else 'do you think she's (of course they pointed directly at Allen) Mr. Kanda's mistress'. At all of these remarks Allen scrunched up his nose and Kanda would merely 'tch.'

The worst part of this mission was not being forced to spend time with Kanda but the part where he actually had to dress up as a girl. It was humiliating. Though he attempted to get out of it as much as possible such as he would put on a wig and take off the horrid make- up from his face that revealed his curse mark, he would then walk around town and pretend to be a visitor. People would smile kindly at him and he felt better knowing that at least he wasn't losing all of his masculinity.

It seemed as though everyone in town knew about Kanda and Allen. Allen didn't even bother changing his first name, if people asked Allen would say that his parents had thought that he was going to be a boy and decided to name him Allen even though he was a 'girl'. Kanda had scoffed at the excuse, but Allen found it usable.

When they had passed by the church there was suddenly an arm draped over his shoulder and when he looked over at Kanda he saw that a short pop-bellied man had had his arm draped around Kanda's shoulder too. Kanda gave the 'don't make me kill you glare' and the man just steered the two into the church. This guy has a serious problem, both Kanda and Allen thought.

"What do you want?" Kanda demanded when the two had been inside of the church. For some reason his mind felt foggy as though he were no longer under control of himself.

"Don't you two lovebirds," Kanda almost interjected until Allen conspicuously stepped on his shoe, warning him not to. "Want to get married in the 'Church of Drool?"

Kanda's eye twitched. What the hell kind of a church was called 'Church of Drool?' Allen was questioning the same thing too in his eyes.

"It's called the Church of Drool 'cause by the end of the service ya'll will be droolin' for each other or if not for each other than for me." The man began laughing at his own bad pun and began rubbing his stomach that jiggled with his laughter.

Kanda tried to turn around and leave, he had better things to do, but found himself rooted to the spot. What was going on?

"But you're not a priest!" Kanda could hear the tremor of terror in Allen's voice. Though Kanda doubted that the man, who he shall only refer to from now on as the Village Idiot, even noticed. Allen too must have realized that there was something going on that didn't meet the eye.

oOoOoOo

Kanda stumbled out of the church. He needed to forget about the last 30 minutes. He would be damned if he had been just forced to marry his sworn rival. Oh dear lord he just married his worst rival though it hadn't been willing it was still marriage.

He needed to get drunk.

oOoOo

Kanda was yet again frustrated. Actually he had no idea what the hell he was feeling thus he did what any man would do that was in his position: he drank. And that was how Kanda had found himself in one of the cheapest bars of Spwindle.

" 'and me anuder beer mishter," kanda drunkenly slurred. He was now on his eighth beer, not to mention the 3 shots of fire whiskey that he had had earlier, which had made it safe for anyone to assume in the bar that the man was good and drunk.

The bartender, Tamesis, looked down at Kanda with a 'what to do now' look in his eye, his other eye was covered in an eye patch. Though Kanda had not yet admitted that in fact he did have a problem when it came to drinking he knew the look well.

Thus he tried to convince the bartender that he was not in fact drunk. "'m n't dwunk…." Kanda then burped, in the most polite manly way possible. ""M'gen!" Kanda reached for his sword but discovered it wasn't there. Shit how was he supposed to convince the barkeeper now?

Tamesis gave the man a questioning look before turning around to grab a glass and filled it to the rim with foaming yellow beer. Kanda gratefully took the glass and looked down into the yellowish contents, if he really thought about it, it looked like horse urine. He wrinkled his nose when he thought about the time when a horse had somehow managed to piss on his white order uniform a few years back, one of the reasons why Komui had decided that black was in fact a better color then white was. Definitely while dealing with horses.

So far Kanda's and Allen's mission had been beyond horrible. They had been forced to get married thanks to the village idiot. Kanda reminded himself that when this mission was over he was going to skin the man alive, he no longer cared about the consequences.

"Better now then later!" Kanda mocked the village idiot whom he had hated. Since he had said it out loud he received many questioning glances from the bar full of men after a few brief seconds some of them raised their glasses as though saying 'know what you're going through' and gulped their drinks down. Some, including Kanda, buried their faces inside of their drinks.

Because of this mission Kanda was now married, to a man, to his worst enemy, to Allen Walker! Oh did he mention that Allen walker was a MAN! "At least it wasn't Lavi," Kanda grumbled to himself and gulped half of the beer in one swig.

He could imagine his future wife now. She would wonder what his last marriage had been like. How would he say it? 'oh yes, honey, I was married to my worst enemy. A man I must add. Don't worry' he would reassure his wife. 'We did not consummate the relationship.'(A/N because that would be what she was totally worried about) After shivering for a good 30 seconds on what his wife's reaction would be he decided that the only way he would even contemplate on telling her is if he either wanted to give her a heart attack or else wanted a divorce.

That was it… his life was ruined, SOILED by the Black Order! That thought brought him back to the present. When they got back Kanda would first demand an annulment, he would then kill/ destroy ALL the evidence that anyone had that him and Allen were married, then lastly he would install a shower in his room.

Tamesis, the bartender, looked down at the now passed out Kanda. He knew that he shouldn't have given the younger man yet another beer, though Tamesis did admit to himself that he was impressed on how much alcohol Kanda was able to handle.

The bartender set down the rag that he was using to clean an already clean glass and contemplated for a moment on what to do with the younger man. Usually he would carry those who passed out into an alley and claim that they had left on their own accord and must have been too drunk to notice that they had left (which worked every time). But Tamesis knew that this was the man who had been the center of gossip and the one who was supposedly newly married. It was hard not to hear about this while running a bar, one was forced unwillingly to keep up with gossip.

"Guess I should call someone to pick 'im up" Tamesis said to himself. Then he directed his attention to the rest of the bar. "'Ey! Do any of you know where 'e lives?"

OoOoOo

Allen was asleep, keyword: was. That was until a phone in his room began ringing and when he answered it, it was a barkeeper saying that his husband, Allen shivered at the thought that Kanda was actually his husband, was passed out at the local bar called "Bar of Bark".

This was why women don't like being married Allen thought to himself. He couldn't help but feel like a house wife. Now Allen would be forced to leave his MANLY sanctuary and go down to some bar, in a dress, to pick up Bakanda! He was sure that the people at the black order were laughing at him. He darkly grumbled to himself as he got dressed, forced his hair back, then shoved a hat on his head.

He had long ago decided that this mission was his private hell. It was as though Komui knew his worst night terrors and decided 'let's make Allen suffer! He hasn't had to deal with that bastard Kanda enough that of course Allen needs to be with Kanda more!'

People outside (or yards away) of the newly weds hotel room could hear the stomping inside the room and the very angry grumbling that followed suite. That was when many decided that the newly weds complimented each other in attitude.

Hesitantly Allen walked into the 'Bar of Bark'. It smelled musty almost like a moldy room that had been closed off then freshly reopened. Allen had found Kanda almost instantly, mainly because Kanda was no longer knocked out and was now in a drunken fit. The blackmail Allen would have after this mission was overwhelming.

"Kanda," Allen gently shook the boy's shoulder. Kanda groggily looked up at Allen. When he saw the spittle of drool escaping from the corner of Kanda's mouth, Allen couldn't help but smile. He also noticed Kanda's drunken flush and his half lidded eyes.

"Wha?" Kanda began to sway on the barstool, Kanda breathed heavily on Allen, which made Allen decide that the moment that they got back to the hotel room he would force the other man to brush his teeth.

Allen began to walk to the door and made the assumption that Kanda would follow that was until he felt someone tackle him from behind. How much had Kanda had to drink to get this clingy? He had always imagined Kanda as one of those really moody drunks not the emotional drunk!

"Don' –hiccup- le've me!"

"I'm not, Kanda!" Allen began to struggle under the weight of the other man. It didn't look it but Kanda was heavy! "Get off me!" Allen hollered and began struggling even more to be let free.

"Your sexie," Kanda slurred into Allen's now bright red ear. Allen stiffened, who was this and what happened to his grumpy Kanda?... wait… his?!

"Kanda, let's go," Allen inwardly complimented himself for not saying that he was a man. "Come one get up." Allen felt as though he were talking to a dog. "Ugh! Kanda don't breath on me! You're breath smells like a golem that curled into your mouth and died! How many beers have you had?"

"I've had…" Kanda lifted his arm and began to point at the different glasses as though he were counting. "…33."

"Kanda, are you drunk?"

"Nooooo," Kanda yelled throughout the bar. He then whispered into Allen's ear. "M'ybe jus' a li'le bi'"

A groan escaped from Allen's lips. There was only 9 beer glasses on the countertop plus 3 shot glasses, which Allen assumed to be whiskey. This alone showed that Kanda was definitely hammered; no sane person could hold that much alcohol and not be drunk.

Allen thanked that barkeeper then with Kanda draped over his shoulder Allen made his way down the street which would have been a hell of a lot easier to walk if he hadn't been forced to wear a dress. He couldn't help but feel embarrassed by the looks that people sent Allen and Kanda. It wasn't his fault that Kanda had to get himself hammered so why did he have to suffer?

"Kanda?" Kanda groaned for what Allen assumed to be a 'yes'. "Why did you go out and get drunk?"

Allen didn't even know why he was asking the older exorcist this. Either Kanda would spiel a drunken rant or else speak the truth, which was very unlikely considering his condition. Allen knew that after what happened earlier he wanted to get drunk himself. He was married to Kanda Yuu for gods sake! When Lavi found out he was going to laugh his ass off. But Allen felt as though he needed to treasure this moment. This was the moment, the only one, where Kanda was this close. Where Kanda was this human. Where Kanda seemed to almost care.

"'Tis –hiccup- 'cause of you," Kanda's drunken slur still had not left but it appeared to Allen as though Kanda were becoming more aware of his surroundings.

"H-how?" Allen asked nervously, he wasn't sure how the hell he was supposed to deal with a drunk Kanda. He had expected Kanda to say something on the lines of 'because of that damn Village idiot'

Kanda then shifted a little on Allen's shoulder, almost uncomfortably. "You don't undwestand."

Allen found himself to have broadened his smile. He knew why he was smiling, but it was wrong. Throughout this mission he had felt as though him and Kanda were becoming closer. This wasn't normal though, Allen kept on telling himself. Kanda hated Allen. He hadn't even so much as tried to disguise it. It would nor could ever change; Kanda was too stubborn for his own good. If Kanda were to know what Allen were thinking Kanda would surely tell him otherwise.

"Watz wong?" The still drunk Kanda asked as he stumbled over a rock.

"What do you mean?" Allen asked. Suddenly he felt a hand on his face, when Kanda withdrew his hand there was a water droplet on it that was Allen's tears. Tears so silent that Allen had not even noticed. Though Allen didn't even have to ask himself why he were crying. "Nothing." Allen said with no emotion. He smiled at the older boy and was glad that Kanda was drunk. He would not hear the end of it if Kanda weren't intoxicated.

"Then why are you leaking?"

That was the day that Allen realized that he was unconditionally in love with Kanda Yuu. Though like his tears, Allen would remain silent.

oOoOoOo

Preview for next chapter:_ "Moyashi!" Kanda yelled and began banging on Allen's door. Allen hadn't looked at him, much less talked to him in days. It made Kanda anxious and he hated feeling this way._

_To kanda's surprise the door opened to reveal a worn out looking Allen. Kanda had expected Allen to start yelling at the older boy for banging on his door so recklessly. Yet there the younger exorcist was, but Allen did not look at Kanda. Allen eyes were fixed on the wall behind Kanda as though Allen thought that Kanda wouldn't notice...'_

This chapter was cut in half… It would have been like 8,000- 10,000 words and that would have been way too much… so this is shortened edition! Originally this wasn't going to be chapter 2, but I think chapter 5… But I got bored during psychology and started writing this scene. In the super exclusive (meaning a gift to a friend!) version of this chapter there are two times where Kanda gets drunk and a lemon.

Hope you liked…. –cries-

REVIEW! They are the green tea that keeps me alive… seriously… I've been up for over 24 hours solely because of green tea's caffeine godliness. –sips tea- Damn. I need to study for my AP European history test and my psychology one… fudge.

Will try to have updated by Sunday. No guarantees.

-Vegimeat


	3. Art Drawn by Vomit

**Bounce!**

**Art Drawn by Vomit**

"Moyashi!" Kanda yelled and began banging on Allen's door. Allen hadn't looked at him, much less talked to him in days. It made Kanda anxious and he hated feeling this way.

To Kanda's surprise the door opened to reveal a worn out looking Allen. Kanda had expected Allen to start yelling at the older boy for banging on his door so recklessly. Yet there the younger exorcist was, but Allen did not look at Kanda. Allen eyes were fixed on the wall behind Kanda as though Allen thought that Kanda wouldn't notice.

"What, Kanda?" Allen asked monotonously. Ever since Allen's recent realization he had done a lot of thinking. Getting this mission done and over with seemed to be the best decision in Allen's mind.

"Moping around won't get you work, bean," Emotional shit was not his thing seeing as how he practically screamed 'emotional constipation'!

For a moment Kanda could see a spark of both pain and disappointment flash through Allen's eyes. Even though Kanda wanted to beat the snot out of Allen until he told him what was wrong. It wasn't his place to meddle though, but if it wasn't his place then whose place was it?

"You should go stuff your bras, put on your dresses, and all of that other girly shit. The day's not getting any younger," with that Kanda left the boy at the door staring blankly at the place he once was. Many unanswered questions ran through Kanda's head; the main one being on why Allen would not look him in the eye.

Kanda needed to get out of here before he went crazy. He stomped to the front door and threw it open then slammed it closed. No matter how much patience that Kanda tried to have it would always dissipate whenever someone would open their mouths, which made them think that he had a lack of patience. Was it really his fault if people were just fucking annoying?

He now was beyond frustrated to the point where he was grumbling to himself as he walked down the streets and wandered aimlessly. He would have cut them to bits but Komui had insisted that he leave Mugen in the hotel room. The bastard! It was as though he were plotting against Kanda!

"Fuck you Komui!" Kanda yelled, earning a lot of stares, and began to ruffle his hair that he had forgotten to put up into his usual ponytail. "I need a job," Kanda muttered randomly. This was not his day.

"I need a beer." Kanda altered his direction so now he was walking towards the bar, ironically enough the only place that Kanda knew the location of.

oOoOoOo

"One beer," Kanda rudely demanded. If he had been in a better mood Kanda would have at least said please…. Most likely not, but he still told himself that; he liked to think of himself as a kind, gentle, loving person. Damn, he really needed to get drunk if he was having THOSE thoughts.

The barkeeper wordlessly took out a beer and a hammer. Kanda had almost asked what the hell the hammer was for then noticed the bottle cap opener on the end of it. Kanda wordlessly grabbed his beer from the barkeeper after the barkeeper had uncapped it with the hammer/ bottle cap opener. This town was too fucking weird for Kanda's tastes, it was downright unnatural to have a hammer/ bottle cap opener anywhere…. Especially at a bar.

Seconds later Kanda was gulping down the beer. Tonight Kanda was determined to not get drunk but to jus numb the unfamiliar emotions that welled within him whenever he even thought of the younger exorcist. Oh God! The unfamiliar feeling was coming back! It felt all warm just like after he felt after eating too many jalapeno peppers. And Kanda prayed to god that this did not have the same after affect on him, as jalapeno peppers or else he would begin to pity Allen. And the bathroom.

A short pudgy man waddled through the door. Kanda paid little attention to him though, he was not worthy of it. Though much to Kanda's dismay the man sat right NEXT to him. It was kind of one of those situations where you park your car the farthest away and in a deserted part of a parking lot then some asshole always parks next to you like they were mocking you.

The barkeeper asked the man what he wanted to drink the pudgy man said a kind of cocktail (was it a Rusty Nail?), what a wussy Kanda snorted to himself. Real men drank the putrid beer and other putrid forms of alcohol.

"You're a regular aren't ya?" The barkeeper said with a smile to Kanda and the barkeeper picked up a dusty glass and began to clean it with a spotless cloth. "Shouldn't glare at the hand that gets you drunk."

Kanda grunted and continued on with his beer. There was a good swig left and he planned to use that swig with great use. Mainly to try to forger his problems which he thought to be a very unique situation though half the people at the Bar of Bark were doing the exact same thing.

Except Kanda found his situation very unique. He didn't have a job and his 'wife' was nagging at him what seemed like constantly to get a job, which, Kanda thought never happened in real life.

After his third beer Kanda voiced this to the barkeeper who nodded and added his opinion when needed. Someone else entered the bar making it so the barkeeper left to get the other man a drink.

"So you're looking for work?" the pudgy man asked, with each beer though the man was looking thinner and thinner and Kanda was sure that if he drank enough then the man would look anorexic.

"What's it to you?" Kanda grumbled and tried to glare at the man his burp that escaped from him totally killed the 'intense' mood.

"We're short a Physical Ed. Teacher…" The man trailed off.

"You go to bars to look for teachers?" Kanda accused not really caring as long as he got a job he really didn't give a shit.

"Well, if you can drink," the man began counting the array of beer bottles on the counter. "8 (crap! Kanda thought that he had only had 3!) beers and talk semi- normal then you're qualified to be a physical ed. Teacher. Wait, do you have patience with hormonal teenagers?"

"I don't have patience with normal people!' Kanda shouted in a drunken fit.

"Good, you're hired. Be at the school at no later than 7:45."

Both Kanda and the pudgy man, who so happened to be the principle, decided that the best way to celebrate Kanda's new job they would get drunk to the point where they couldn't tell up from down.

Eventually Kanda realized that he would not remember this in the morning and asked for the helpful barkeeper to write it on his arm in permanent marker. While the barkeeper was at it he decided to take advantage of Kanda and drew over his face with the marker just for the hell of it.

OoOoO

Allen had a bad feeling. Like the kind that housewives (in his case would it be househusband?) gets whenever their husbands are doing something wrong. Right now Allen had that exact feeling. It was almost like a sixth sense, it was the housewife/husband sense. That's why when an obviously drunk Kanda came through the door with a marker drawn mustache, monobrow, and draw on zits Allen could say that he was not in the least bit surprised.

Like Allen, Kanda had a sense except it was the infamous 'my partner is going to bitch my ear off' sense. Before Kanda could do anything Kanda dashed to the bathroom and locked himself inside. When he had gotten in he turned his direction to the toilet and tried to hurl which wasn't supposed to be hard for a drunken person to do. But Kanda already wasn't normal so this didn't really surprise him just annoyed him.

Twenty minutes later Kanda emerged from the bathroom and still had yet to barf even though Kanda could feel the similar feeling welling in his stomach and running up his throat Kanda knew that it was going to happen soon but he would be damned if he stayed in that bathroom for a minute longer.

It shocked Kanda to see Allen sprawled on the wooden floors in the living room sleeping. It was as though he had been waiting for Kanda almost as though he were, dare Kanda think, _worried_ for Kanda! Unnatural and yet the unfamiliar jalapeno affect (as Kanda referred to it) burned within himself. A voice spoke within him to pick the boy up and take him to his bedroom where Allen would have a much more comfortable sleep, but his pride was much stronger than the voice and Kanda just walked to his bedroom and shut the door quietly behind him.

Fuck. It was 2:30 A.M and Kanda still had not found sleep. He had tried many different positions, one of them involving a pair of shoes and a banana, but he STILL wasn't able to sleep. Whenever his thoughts went all happy and the sheep began to jump the fence then he would begin thinking about Allen still sleeping on the floor.

Was this guilt? If it was then it didn't feel as sugarcoated as they gave in books. At this Kanda had to tell himself '_fantasy, reality, fantasy, reality' _he definitely felt guilty. He could just quickly drag the Allen to his bedroom and run away and pretend like it never happened. Somehow though Kanda realized that, no, this was NOT going to work.

"Fine! I'll help the bean!" Kanda yelled to no one in particular.

Allen had woken up to find himself sprawled onto the floor. Not exactly the place that he would have wanted to find himself. Still though Allen couldn't bring himself to move when the heaviness that surrounded him seemed to press heavily on him. He would move himself in a few minutes, which would turn into a few more minutes, etc.

He heard Kanda's door quietly open and Allen feigned sleep he didn't feel like telling Kanda how lazy he had become. Still it shocked Allen when he felt Kanda's arms around him and lifting him up bridal style. Right now he so desperately wanted to open up his eyes and stare at the other man only thinking of what the other man would do to him stopped Allen from doing anything.

Kanda stared down into Allen's face and felt the Jalapeno Affect growing much stronger (he learned by now that it was indeed not bad gas). He had never been one to take advantage of a sleeping person; right now Kanda felt that if he didn't kiss the other boy now than the Jalapeno Affect would take over him body and soul.

Lightly, Kanda placed a light kiss onto Allen's slightly ajar lips and then took Allen to his bedroom, laid him down and practically ran to the bathroom. Less than 30 seconds later Kanda was hurling into the porcelain basin. Mainly due to the fact that he had just kissed ALLEN WALKER; today was one screwed up day.

OoOoOoO

The next morning Allen pretended that Kanda had not kissed him last night. Alle knew that people did things that they didn't mean to while they were drunk but that did not stop Allen from hiding in his room and avoiding Kanda. It wasn't likely that Kanda remembered and Allen was sick of feeling that this meant more to him than it ever would the other exorcist.

OoOoOo

Kanda woke up at 7: 20, realized that he needed to be to work in 25 minutes, quickly got ready, and ran out of the hotel room before he could either remember the kiss that he had shared or else even notice Allen shying away from him.

It was 7: 50 by the time Kanda reached the small high school (whose address had been written on his arm with very poor penmanship!). Not long after he reached the high school did Kanda knock on the office with glass that said in high black letters 'Principle Panache'.

"Come in!" came the stressed sounding reply from inside and Kanda slowly made his way in.

Kanda began to question the man about where everything was, how long he had to work (8:30- 4:00), what days, etc. The principle then handed Kanda a yellow folder with information inside that Kanda began scanning over.

Kanda immediately paled when he saw what he would be teaching during 4th and 6th period. "You must be mistaken this wasn't in my job description!"

The principle looked taken it aback then saw what Kanda was now hyper venerating over and then gave the man a knowing mocking smile.

"Of course, Mr. Kanda, all high schools need a Sex Ed. Teacher."

OoOoOo

**This ff takes place in the same time the canon does but it has some things from the 1980's... at least, NOW it does. Normally it didn't but then I realized that the sexual revolution didn't start until the 1960's in Sweden then spread to the rest of Europe and the U.S. lol. I hate doing this... -cries-**

**Hope you enjoyed... it was -cough- interesting to write. **

**Oh and a reviewer brought up on how in ch. 1 Kanda fits into Lavi's pants... well... Lavi is extremely fat! (no not really... just trying to come up with a b.s excuse)**

**Sorry for slow update. Family problems. You just gotta LOVE family drama. Well I don't have to deal with it anymore... actually half my family was all like 'oh Vegi you're not Catholic, we want nothing to do with you' hahahah! If they knew half of the shit I read/ wrote then they'd piss themselves from being so scared. Now I go to bed. I rant when I'm tired and I CUSS a lot. **

**REVIEW LOTS AND NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE 5000 WORDS LONG!**


	4. Wunschkind

This Chapter sucks ass. Don't complain. You've been warned.

**Bounce!**

**Wunschkind**

"Where are you going Kanda?" Allen asked over his cereal. Kanda had found a job (or so he had said. Allen wasn't sure whether to believe him or not) Kanda merely shrugged and muttered something about work then walked out of the door.

When the door closed Allen threw his bowl of cereal intio the sink unfinished and marched into the bathroom. He was used to Kanda being distant but he figured that since the little incident not too long ago that maybe Kanda wouldn't be such an ass!

Allen looked at himself in the mirror. There wasn't anything special about him, unless if you counted him being cursed. "Why would he want me anyways? He told me he doesn't touch cursed people."

Why then did he feel so miserable a hopeless?

oOoOoOo

Kanda had been working for two weeks and he had still refused to tell Allen where he worked. His life was still ruined but he didn't feel like letting himself be even more humiliated by letting the stupid Bean Sprout knowing where he worked; even if he maybe harbored feelings for the other boy.

No! What was he thinking of course he didn't like Allen like that! It was just a little kiss like those sissy pecks at weddings- No! Allen and weddings do not go in the same thought waves. Even if they were technically married it wasn't like they had consummated it or anything. Then the thought hit him Allen writhing below him.

A blush pierced Kanda's cheeks and he immediately began banging his head against his desk. He had done this without thinking of the 30 wandering eyes that would surely stare at him for this action. Though Kanda had not thought of this all he knew was that he needed to cleanse his mind from these impure thoughts.

Kanda stared back at the class and the class stared back. There was no way in hell that he wanted to do this. It sounded more entertaining to ass-rape himself with Mugen. Kanda mentally cringed at the thought.

"What is a penis?" Kanda asked and stood from his desk. Now they were getting into the reproductive organ anatomy, which was sure to be the most awkward part of this class. Well, until he got to show the STD slideshow or else the birth video.

A short blond raised her hand eagerly in the back, the only one to show any sign of wanting to answer the question. Kanda lazily pointed at her to answer.

"Isn't it a muscle?!" She half yelled with excitement and hyper activeness lacing her voice.

Some of the more mature people had the decency to not laugh while other more immature kids began laughing and each subconsciously looked to the nearest guy to them.

Kanda cocked an eyebrow in annoyance and asked, "Really? And how would you go about exorcising it?" If Kanda were any other person they would not be able to say this with a straight face.

"Masturbation!" A guy yelled.

"Sex! Lots of it!" Another one yelled.

"Lift weights with it!" (1)

Kanda stared at the class. Right now it seemed to Kanda that God had prepared him for this moment by sending Lavi into his life, just so Kanda wouldn't kill these imbeciles on the spot.

"It's an organ," Kanda gritted through his teeth. He wanted nothing more then to strangle each one of them. "Plus masturbation wouldn't exorcise it. It exercises your arms." The last part was said and Kanda immediately regretted it.

"Does that mean that if you only use you're right hand then you'll get a shitload of right arm muscle and your left side would be all wimpy like?" A boy, who had obviously been sleeping in the back for most of the health period, asked with a face that looked sleepy.

"What?" Another boy screamed.

"Alternate hands!"

"But it's not as good with my left!"

"Now that I think of it Professor Badger seems more muscular on his right!"

"Professor Kanda! Is it true?"

There were many reasons why Kanda had not told Allen about his job. Before Kanda thought that he was not innocent he wasn't a virgin, he thought of sex more often then he let on, and he masturbated often… or else he used to then he started sharing a hotel room (which they had bought some weeks back) with Allen. But now that he surveyed his classroom Kanda knew that he may be 18 years old but he was innocent compared to these perverted children.

OOoOoOo

Allen walked through the town and for once let himself mope around. Today Kanda had yet again taken it upon himself to ignore Allen. It shouldn't have bothered Allen this much, but it still did. He was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice that he had passed the store where he was supposed to buy groceries for dinner and quickly took a double take.

Him and Kanda had only been here for a few weeks and they still had not found the innocence. During the briefing, Komui believed that the person who held the innocence would be someone who was integrated with the society. But who could it be? And why did Allen feel as though he had sensed the innocence.

Allen walked into the supermarket and grabbed various items (he purposefully left out Soba noodles though, it wasn't like he was happy with Bakanda!). Allen then stood behind two women in the line and bored fully listened to the women's conversation.

"Did you hear about the new teacher at the High School?" One excitedly whispered. The other woman gave a menacing glare that clearly showed her distaste over something.

"My son came running home and asked his father if it was true that if you," she paused blushing, "do certain activities with one hand if your muscle's would be different on your right arm rather than your left."

The other woman was biting back a laugh and Allen couldn't help but feel amused. "They probably got him from some bar, you know what happened to the other sex ed teacher."

"I hope that professor Kanda will be better."

Allen froze. Did they just say professor Kanda? No, it must have been his imagination. "Um, excuse me," The women looked at Allen in acknowledgement. "Did you just say Kanda?"

"Yes, Mr. Yuu Kanda. He is one of the new teachers, why?"

Allen rushed a 'I thought I recognized the name, my bad' excuse. Paid for his things and noticed that it was 11: 05, which meant that he had plenty of time to confirm if whether he heard was true or not.

OOoOo

"For the last time!" Kanda yelled "It's not a Christmas wreathe or a crown, it's genital warts!" Kanda then began to circle the drawing and relining it as if he were trying to convince the class (It wasn't like he drew STD's –cough excuse me- STI's for a living… well now he kind of did, but he didn't have to be proud of it!).

"Since it's Flint's birthday you should give her a genital warts crown!"

oOoOo

Allen stood outside of a door that was clearly labeled W3 (what kind of screwed up school has south, west, north, and east wings?). He was a little apprehensive about entering the classroom and had bought Soba noodles specially so Kanda wouldn't kill him too bad.

Allen checked himself over, made sure that his fake breasts were in place then opened the door and the first thing that he heard when he entered the classroom was unexpected.

"It's a Penis and those are Genital Warts! What about Penis and Genital warts do you not understand," the dry erase marker in Kanda's hand broke from his furry and now black ink was splotched everywhere including on Allen even though Allen stood feet away (not even Kanda had noticed Allen's presence yet).

Kanda turned and stared at Allen when Allen began spluttering. The rest of the classroom, like conformists, let their attentions also wander to the white haired boy who looked freakishly female (though the class thought Allen female because Allen was dressed up like a female).

OooOoOo

(1) American Pie fans will appreciate that one! Naked Mile was funny not as good as American Wedding, though.

Normally I wasn't going to update for at least one more week maybe two, so be glad you got a chapter no matter how short it is. Damn these AP exams. May 8 I have THE AP European History exam PLUS I have an AP Euro final! Yeah by Wednesday I have to make sure that I have 500 years of history MEMORIZED then take a college level exam even though I'm 15 and dumb!

Also note that I am trying to LESSEN the amount of OC's. OC's piss me off….

Maybe thinking about starting another fic…. Bleh. Uchihacest (aka ItaSasu) –nosebleed- or NaruSasu –lesser nosebleed- (I hate Naruto with a fiery passion, but the ff are fun!)

HAPPY BELATE B-DAY FLINT!


	5. Not Ever After

**Ch.5**

**BOUNCE!**

**Did You Really Think There Would be an Ever After?**

Warning: my murder of commas and my terrible grammar!… also not happy with this chapter….

Kanda turned to see Allen not just staring but gaping at him. It almost made want Kanda want to ask if he had something on his face or if he had developed a genetic mutation. Well, Kanda was at least smart enough to know that he definitely had something on his face (most likely dry erase marker) and to keep his mouth shut. It wasn't like he wanted to bring too much attention to Allen but the rest of the class followed Kanda's gaze to the white haired boy (girl?!), like little conformists.

"Kanda?" Allen asked uncertainly. It wasn't like he made a habit out of stalking people. Though Allen tried to tell himself many times that he indeed wasn't stalking the other boy, merely using his resources to find him (aka the definition of stalking).

"What are you doing here?" Kanda dumbly asked looking like a fish out of water.

"Who's she?" a brave soul from the back of the class asked. If they had known how bad Kanda's temper could get they would have stayed quiet. The older exorcist turned to the student and glared. He now was half tempted to hurriedly put on his exorcist uniform and kill the boy and then claim that the nuisance was an akuma. His glare had not worked in silencing the class, unfortunately.

"Dude! She's hotter then my girlfriend!"

"Hey!" a girl yelled and slapped the boy, she was the girlfriend.

"I-I meant that her beauty does not compare to yours… my… urm…. Sunshine? I-I mean Buttercup!"

Allen stared at Allen's class and surveyed it. Not once did Allen ever think that a teaching job would ever suite Kanda, Allen thought more along of the lines of a hit man or in a prison somewhere. At most Kanda would be one of those sadistic people who are in charge of creating tests (AP tests in particular).

"Professor Kanda!" The boy motioned to the other boy next to him, "He's trying to convince me that you guys are dating! They are lies aren't they?"

Kanda was sure to have his entire class suffer. The next day he would make sure of it.

"Let's talk outside," Kanda whispered in a voice that he thought only Allen and him could hear. OF COURSE the class couldn't hear his lecture but they had the magical hearing to hear a whisper.

"Holly Crap! She's his fuck buddy!" The stoners always found the right time to wake up… and enlighten the class with their wonderful input.

"Yuu's mine! She can't have him!" A girl cried who was hushed by her boyfriend's glares.  
To Kanda this was national 'the Gods are pitting against Kanda day.'

Allen and Kanda stepped into the hallway and walked down until they hit a dead end (Kanda knew better then to talk to Allen right outside of the door. If students could hear whispers he wouldn't be surprised if they developed bat-like hearing.)

"What are you doing here Moyashi?" Kanda grumbled and tried to fix Allen with his deadliest glare that he could muster.

Allen mentally flinched it wasn't like he liked Kanda glaring at him he wasn't too much of a masochist. "Can't I visit my (gag) husband?" Allen made sure to ask as innocently as possible in order to counter Kanda's growing glare.

Kanda's glare hardened. Why had Allen decided to visit? Allen himself was asking himself the same question but he unlike Kanda knew the answer.

"Curiosity?"

"You know curiosity killed the cat?" Kanda made sure to stress the kill part.

"And satisfaction brought him back. You forgot that part, Bakanda,"

'tch'

Kanda stared at Allen, no longer was it a glare. Not once had Kanda had someone who pried themselves into his life. Now that someone was, Kanda had no idea what he would do. Maybe punch some sense into the dumbass. He would have if Kanda weren't too lazy… or else that's what he thought it was. If Kanda were more in tune with himself aka not having a stick rammed up his ass, he would have realized that he didn't want to hurt Allen.

Allen angrily glared at Kanda, this was ridiculous! Kanda was the definition to ridiculous! He positively loathed Kanda, or else that's what he kept on telling himself. (DENIAL!).

After a long uncomfortable, murderous silence Allen decided that he needed to say something. Instinctively Allen took the soba noodles from behind his back and forced it into Kanda's hands. Not realizing what it was, Kanda grudgingly took the box and stocked off and left a begrudged Allen to himself.

Allen decided that the best thing to do was to go back to Kanda and Allen's hotel room. Damn him and his need to feel responsible. Wait, why did he have to be responsible? Why NOT have some fun, it wasn't like Kanda would give a rats flaming ass anyways what he did. How wrong he was.

Kanda reached the classroom and was disappointed that the class was all in their chairs and actually working. How he wished he could take his aggression out on them. The class period continued and people seemed to be able to sense that he was in a bad mood and decided not to bug Kanda. Right now Kanda didn't know what was worse: to have an irresponsible loathsome class or else to have a responsible class. He chose the latter.

Soon the bell rang and students got up simultaneously and walked to their next class like cattle. That was when Kanda decided that tomorrow he would make the class suffer and make a shitty excuse for it. Being a Sex Ed teacher would turn out to have its advantages.

OoOoOo

Allen was on a rampage through the town of Spwindle. It turned out that it was almost impossible to get into trouble in Spwindle. Damn those goody-two-shoes towns. He had decided that he did not want to wander into the bad side of Spwindle no matter how pissed off he was at that stupid Kanda.

"Why did it have to turn out like this?" Allen asked himself. "Feels like fire…" Allen grasped around his middle and rocked on the balls of his feet.

Right now he was at the edge of the city where no one lingered except for himself. It felt tight to be by himself and away from Kanda who was so cold to him and no matter how much Allen tried to deny it he knew that he failed at it trying to block the pain.

This wasn't right! Why the hell did he have to fall for Kanda? When had he fallen for the older exorcist? Why….?

Allen hid his face with his hands and the rocking of his feet grew more drastic almost to the point where his knees and rear were connecting to the ground. The feeling behind his eyes were almost painful and Allen still tried to hold the liquid back. It hurt more though to keep the tears back then it would to let them flow.

"Stupid Bakanda," Allen whimpered and heard rain begin to fall against the trees and the shingles of the city.

oOoOoO

Kanda decided to look in the box that Allen had given to him. Soba noodles. Fuck Kanda felt like an ass. And that was how Kanda spent his gym class, staring at a box filled with Soba noodles. Many kids stared and whispered. This caused Kanda to make them run ion the rain and laugh at those who decided to not wear very warm clothing to gym.

There was only one word to explain how Kanda felt: guilty. The black haired exorcist needed to find Allen and (gag) apologize…. Or something like that. Kanda left the heat of the gym and followed his students out the red metal door that led to the track.

Minutes passed and Kanda didn't exactly find it satisfying to watch high schoolers jog…. Well most of them walked….

Fuck it. Kanda thought grumpily and stalked off to the direction of his hotel room and to where that damn Moyashi had better be. Little did Kanda know he locked the poor students out so they were stranded outside until a nice football coach let them in two hours later.

OoOoOo

Today must not be one of those good horoscope days fro Gemini's and Kanda knew it. He had gone back to the hotel room to find Allen to not be there and now he aimlessly stalked around town and became determined to find Allen. Warmth spread through Kanda's chest as he thought of the boy's name and face. He had fallen too deep.

OoOoOo

Allen's cries became less hysterical and he then began to tear off the woman's clothing that he had been forced to wear and roughly pulled of the white wig that made his hair look longer then it actually was. Not matter how much he tried to convince himself that he in fact hated Kanda he couldn't when he felt such warmth bubble within him like a potion whenever he thought Kanda's name.

The kiss that they had shared just a few nights before seemed less and less real as though his mind had invented it all. It wouldn't surprise him at all if that were the case. Such a beautiful thing MUST have been only made up.

"I'm the idiot," Allen told himself and began shivering from only wearing a pair of boxers. All of the girl clothing lay strewn around him and rain still continued to fall on him in what seemed like buckets. No longer did Allen care that he was being covered in mud or that he would catch cold. No one was watching no one was here to see his sickly weakness that was all that mattered right then.

OoOoOo

Where the hell could Allen be? When Kanda had gone to the hotel room no one was there for once. The black haired exorcist had grabbed Mugen and ran out of the hotel room faster then a blink of the eye. Kanda had then literally looked what seemed like everywhere, even _girls'_ bathrooms! (which earned a lot of screams and a lot of confusion) Kanda now approached the edge of town aka the only place that he had not looked. It was shocking when Kanda actually found someone.

They were well hidden so normal people wouldn't be able to see them off the bat. Kanda approached them knowing that it had to be Allen. It was quite shocking to watch the 16-year-old (1) exorcist naked except for a pair of thin black boxers and was drenched. The boy was rocking on his heels and had his face covered in his hands and the shaking shoulders were a clear indication that Allen was crying.

**The Next Day**: (added as an apology for the angst….)

"Today you are watching the birthing video." Half the class groaned. "Originally I was going to only show one example." The class stared at Kanda most with green faces, they had just eaten lunch and some of the class had very weak stomachs. "But since you pulled that stunt yesterday," the class erupted into blames which Kanda would hear none of.

"SINCE," the class fell silent. "You decided to pull that stunt yesterday. Well welcome to 12 exclusive videos on the miracle of life. Oh, and if we don't finish today I can guarantee that we will continue tomorrow maybe even the next day too, if you guys get lucky enough."

Half the class looked on the verge hurling or else jumping out of the second story window. "Oh! Before I forget you will have to watch the entire time. If I catch you doing other things you'll have fun in 'The Miracle of Life Detention' aka Baby Birth Hell."

While surveying the now surely suicidal class Kanda decided that moment that he loved his job.

(1)He's 16 in this ff.

_Next time:_

"_Get away from me Bakanda!" Allen shrieked and tried to hide his tear stained face. Looking like a weakling in front of Kanda was one of the most embarrassing things it made him feel like he were insignificant. _

A/N: Not really too comedic. The beginning was but I've been all down in the dumps so I'm taking it out of Kanda and Allen! How kind of me! ANYWAYS! Sorry for it taking like a BAGILLION years to update. AP exam, stress, computer getting a HUGE mother fucking virus, and STRESS. :P those who know me well can see how stressed I am JUST by reading all of the profanities in this chapter…. Next chapter I guarantee happy… like funniness not Yullen smex you perverts.

**Review! And I might update later on tonight or else tomorrow with HAPPY comedy.**

**BONJOUR SEX BOMB!…. or Bye…..**


	6. An Amazingly Awesome Note from ME

Hiya, guys! So long time, no see! I apologize for my long-awaited chapter (that I am sorry to say, will not be coming today). Anyways, I will prattle an apology, full with lots of excuses, but that can wait for a few sentences. I quit writing this fanfic due to how.... plotless it was. I have written novels, well most of novels, and none of them are so completely fluff. It made me sad 'cause this story was a 'disappointment' you could say. Though if you guys give me a chance I want to rewrite this to make it amazing!

It would have a more complex story line about-- oooops almost gave it away. It will still feature cross dressing Allen and WTF Kanda but it will be a romance not a 'fuck me! Oh yeah oh yeah. Jiggy Jiggy.' like the direction that I accidentally allowed for this one to go into.

So, please allow me to replace chapters and shit.

NOW, I tell all of my excuses! (oh frabjous day!') I have been in the process of enlisting into the Air Force, I'm taking college level courses (APUSH, painting, etc.), I'm taking Shakespeare and I have to read a LOT of plays (A Midsummer Night's Dream, Julius Ceaser, Comedy of Errors, Richard III and copious amounts of sonnets.) and my sister is all preggers. Her belly feels like a ginormous ab, seriously. Abs that kick, I wish I had those. Also I am graduating high school this year! Scary!

Anyways, I hope I still have all of my faithful readers' love!

LOVIES,

Veggie.


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